


head up against the wall

by galaxymuncher



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Light Angst, M/M, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Underage Drinking, lots of smooches, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-22 23:55:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxymuncher/pseuds/galaxymuncher
Summary: [please take care when reading this fic]your fingertips are soft against my face, can they feel the cracks?





	head up against the wall

_ Stop crying this instant _

Words striking like blades, cutting through the tense atmosphere. Stopping almost instantly, Theo looked to his father with a dullness unlike anything he ever could’ve mustered up in his life, similar to how he’d watch his teacher painfully write equations across the whiteboard that he already knew. His cheek grew steadily in pain and color, but his mind didn’t focus on that, adrenaline was rushing and fight or flight kicked in. Another flash, his other cheek receiving another blow that nearly knocked his glasses off, his feet were already moving away as his father straightened himself out, appearing taller,  _ powerful,  _ a dictator in his own right.

_ God DAMMIT! FUCK! _

Before he can even process, a vase flew to the ground with an earth shattering crash, screaming ensues as his father stomps about the room with hands in his hair, absolute despair and loss lacing his agonizing cries. The door flies open as Theo rushes out, running as fast as he possibly can in the unbearable heat, his father’s screams loud enough to be heard the further down the block he runs. He knows exactly where he’s going no doubt about it, if he were to stay there any longer he’d have done something incredibly rash...and the last thing he needed was to die from his father’s unbridled rage.

Eventually his feet stop him, the rusted swings a comforting sight as he sits himself down, head hanging low. Finally it’s time to return to earth, having omnisciously spectated himself absentmindedly making his way through the desert. Tears fall to the dying soil, over and over in an endless stream, broken sobs choked out of his throat.

“Potter?”

Theo nearly jumped out of his skin again as he looked beside him where Boris now sat, swaying alongside with an all too familiar look, to which he turned away to wipe his tears.

“What happened?”

“It’s...my dad”

The memory went through his mind again as they sat in silence, an understanding passing between them. Circumstances that were all too familiar, especially with Boris, who knew that incurring the wrath of a father was the worst inconvenience to run into. He carefully placed his hand onto the other’s small shoulder, gripping it lightly but ultimately Theo still jumped away from him, rising off the seat to stand. Sun rays beam down on them, the heat unbearable but they both don’t seem to care. Boris follows suit, hands shoved deeply into his ratty jean pockets.

“What are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“About your dad? He will still be home when you get back, right? We could take a walk until it is safe?”

“I don’t give a shit...if he’s there then he’s there, I know how to avoid him at this point”

His hand runs through his hair as he walks off, away from the abandoned playground, back towards the nightmare. Boris follows along, keeping a steady pace beside him despite how fast his footsteps are.

“If you want, I can stay the night...give some company”

“You’re gonna do that regardless, it’s like you practically LIVE in my house now instead of your own”

Silence, eyes blank out as he stops in his tracks. A witty response that normally would follow is replaced by a thick cloud, anxiety lingering. Boris’ head lowers to the road now below their shoes, refusing to move a muscle as if time itself froze him.

“You ok? Was it something I said?”

“…”

His line of vision returns as he looked Theo dead in the eyes, a look that rings of seriousness. This was code used for whenever something wrong happened in a plan (which at this point was EXTREMELY rare, seeing as their form was nearly perfected), usually it was a sign that they needed to get the fuck out of dodge and move on to another location to prevent getting arrested for theft. He moved a bit closer, placing a hand on the other’s arm, eyebrows furrowed in deep concern.

“Hey...if you wanna stay with me you can, you know that”

“I know, I know”

“Then what’s the issue?”

“Nothing, just go, the heat is getting to me, making me sweat too much”

With a nod, they pressed forward until they were only a block away from home. The door was shut tight when they arrived, Xandra and his father’s car were both gone from the driveway now. Of course Xandra was at work at this hour but as to where dear old shithead dad went? Who fucking knows. The two made their way into the home, Popchyk jumping to them happily with a squeal, dancing around in a whirl of fur. Boris couldn’t help but laugh, leaning down to pet and love the small dog, practically rolling on the floor with him, a sight which Theo observed while sitting on the edge of the sofa armrest, one hand on his bruised cheek, smile forming gradually on his face.

“Got anything to eat?”

“Nada, Xandra was gonna bring home wings and appetizers when she got home from work”

“What time is she off?”

A shrug of the shoulders, Boris rolled his eyes as he turned his attention back to Popchyk.

“Well, we won’t eat tonight I guess”

“Isn’t that the usual anyways?”

“Yeah, but tonight---was looking forward to a feast, Potter! We worked hard all week! Fucking finals, Oh what is capital of Montana this and Oh what is root of x that! Hell if I know! Let me eat for fucks sake!”

Theo did his best to hold back his laughter as Boris did bad impressions of their shared teachers, watching as he put a finger under his nose to imitate a mustache or purse his lips and speak with a slightly pitched tone as if he were a woman. But eventually he gave in, falling to the ground, clutching his gut, soon noticing Boris continued on in character, arms crossing the front of his chest to show annoyance.

“Why don’t you explain to the class what’s so funny, ah?? AH?? Fine! Detention! For you and your friend! No exceptions!”

“Boris stop! Holy shit I’m gonna piss myself!”

“Cannot stop! I am your teacher and you must LISTEN to ME! Or else I’ll send you to the principal's office! I will make your life even MORE miserable than your shitty father!”

He reached out, slapping at the other while laughing in a weak attempt to make him stop, which in turn caused an uproar of laughter to escape from Boris. He shoved Theo’s hand away as he crawled over, smacking his arm back until the two became caught up in a round of their usual rough housing. Their minds became filled with nothing but keeping present in the moment, as if stuck in a bubble that couldn’t be popped, the breeze swayed on, the birds chirped, everything sped by. Suddenly, just as one was about the place the other in a headlock of sorts, a rapping at the door snapped them into reality. 

The room was thankfully not as trashed as expected; a pack of cigarettes flung to the ground at some point, spilling the contents, some papers had flown from the island countertop onto the floor, and a plant’s dirt was spilled slightly (not enough where the entire plant was out of the pot but enough for there to be a noticeable mess) but other than that everything seemed normal. A finger placed out toward Theo’s face to silence him.

“I got this Potter, stay put”

He nodded as he crawled his way toward the back door, making an attempt to clean the mess of dirt to ease his panic. His mind blocked out whatever was happening by the door so he only heard bits and pieces; someone with a deep voice spoke to Boris, asking questions that were answered in a vague manner, goodbyes were exchanged and the door was shut and locked.

“Was it…?”

A nod.

“Did he ask about my dad again?”

“Yeah”

“What’d you tell him?”

“That he was not here and we did not know when he would come back”

“Good...thanks, I think I’m gonna take a quick nap---I’ll be back in an hour or so”

Not another word was spoken, he got up from the floor, the dirt barely made into an easy to clean pile, bypassing him without another thought as he trudged his way up the stairs, each footstep louder than the last until he reached the top. As much as Boris wanted to follow, there needed to be some restraint placed down, he decided to do the rest of the cleaning in the meantime until Theo awoke from his nap, soon getting to work figuring out where a dust pan was.

  
  


_ It’ll be simple...just call the number, ask for the amount on the paper and have them wire it to this bank account, ok? _

How’d he end up back here? Wasn’t he just here not but a few hours ago? Why did he have to be standing in front of that  _ monster  _ again? His hands refused to move, gripping the phone tightly as his eyes looked all around, body clearly not responding to any command his brain issued.

_ Theo? Did you fucking hear me? Dial the number already! _

Nothing, his father was growing more impatient the longer he didn’t do as he was told.

_ Oh for FUCKS sake, you’re such a brat, you know that? Your mother spoiled you fucking rotten! Feeding you treats and lies she cooked up, making you cling to her instead of giving your old pops a chance _

Stop.

_ I’m glad she blew to bits! Cause now I can unbrainwash you and put you back into reality already! That bitch...I don’t know why the hell I even married her— _

Finally his body finds the necessary charge, he opens his mouth and screams, as loud as his lungs will allow.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! DON’T TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD!”

_ Whack! _ The familiar smack to his face, he’s knocked back with such force he lands to the ground on his side, nearly knocked out by the force. He looked up, his father looming over him like a shadow, ominous,  _ terrifying _ . Trying to get up and get away, his head looks to the front door, his mother is standing there with arms outstretched.

_ Come here, puppy...quickly, I’ll get you out of here, let's go home _

His hand reached out, tears beginning to drop as he shakily tries to make his way toward his salvation, she always knew how to swoop in and save the both of them, always quick on her feet, it was one of the more brilliant things he noticed about her much too late...something he’ll always regret. Fingers reached out for the other ones, hoping to make a connection until suddenly they’re yanked backwards as he’s pulled away, screaming out.

_ Oh no you fucking don’t! You get your ass back here and do this before your head gets bashed in! _

“No! No no no no! MOM! HELP ME PLEASE! MOM!”

“Potter! Potter get up!”

Forcefully reality sets back in, darkness has set, panic fogs judgment and nothing makes sense, where is this? What is happening?

“Where’s mom??”

“What?”

“She was just—just there”

“She is dead, you told me! Blown up in museum, remember?”

“No I swear! She was just out of reach!”

“Potter, hey, listen to me—you were yelling and screaming, causing a fuss, I ran up as fast as I could and saw you thrashing about! So I shook you and now you’re awake! Whatever you saw? Not real!”

It comes back to him, everything falls into place as he remembers. The moon has now risen where the sun was once before, his nap took longer than planned it seemed. It was all a dream and nothing more...leaving a terrifying reminder of how the mind can play tricks to confuse you. His body shakes, breathing heavy, without much thought he lurched forward towards Boris, gripping his shirt tightly as he pulled him close, heart wrenching sobs finally escaping him.

“Shhh, is ok Potter...I’m here, let’s go outside for a while”

Gentle touch, the other didn’t want to scare him with sudden harsh touches. Boris leads Theo down the stairs, remaining close the entire time, guiding them through familiar corridors and open spaces, shooing away Popchyk with a swipe of a foot, they could play later. Soon the cool breeze touched both their faces, the pool light bathed them in familiarity as they sat themselves down by the edge, taking off their shoes to dip their feet in.

“Better?”

“Sure…”

“Good, take the time you need to wake up, talk whenever if you want”

Both sit there, gazing absently at the stars, soon drinking a few when need be (provided by Boris, not wanting Theo to have to get up whatsoever). No words needed to be said, the lapping of pool water against the sides was enough. A hand touches the top of his, knocking him out of his la la land momentarily to look at the one beside him, bottle snuggly fit into his grip with the other.

“Boris?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you scoot closer, I’m getting cold and need a space heater”

He looked over, chortling. Obliging to the request, Boris scooted close, skin touching skin. Theo leaned his head against the shoulder that was now there. Closing his eyes, tightening his grip on the other’s hand, breathing increasing again as his heart rate rose.

“Hey hey hey, take a breath, you’re going to hyper—uh, what was it? The thing where you breathe too fast?”

“Hyperventilate”

“Yeah yeah, that! So don’t or you’ll do that, what is going on? Tell me”

“Boris, what happened earlier today? Before I took my nap—why were you acting so weird when we were near my house?”

Blood ran cold, Theo felt the other’s body tense up as Boris’ hand grip grew tighter suddenly, threatening to break his bones.

“Boris?”

“Is nothing Potter”

“No, don’t give me that!”

His body turned to face him better, noting how white his face was getting, as if the color was draining the longer they talked.

“Tell me what’s going on—“

“I said is NOTHING”

“Bullshit”

Everything soon flipped on its head, Theo felt himself get shoved harshly away, hand letting go in the flurry to place over his face in defense. Something wasn’t right, a secret was hiding behind the lock and the key was dangling in his face out of reach, there’s gotta be a way to get it down. After a few moments, his arms lowered only for him to see the form next to him hunched over, hands in his face, curls falling over them. Was he...shaking? Just as he was about to reach out toward him again, a sob choked out, stunning him in place.

“Oh my god...Boris—“

“Potter is...is terrible! You want truth? Then here it is! My shit father? Beat me to hell last few nights! Normally is nothing! Water under bridge as you say, but last night? He kicked me so hard I thought—“

Another sob, he moved a bit closer this time, placing a hand on his shoulder, Boris simply fell into him, wrapping his arms around his waist as he buried his face into his chest, which was extremely awkward considering their noticeable height difference but that matter didn’t need to be addressed.

“I thought I was going to  _ die  _ on that floor! But he gave up before he had the chance and I fucking ran! Ran as fast as I could while he yelled at me!  _ Ty der'movyy rebenok! Yesli ty vernesh'sya, ya tebya ub'yu!  _ Asshole was yelling all sorts of nonsense at me! But I didn’t stop! I couldn’t stop…”

While he didn’t know exactly what Boris said, nor did he have the nerve to ask for the translation currently, what he did know was that it was something serious that rattled his core so deeply to bring him to tears. Theo quietly ran his fingers through his hair, letting him get all the sobs out that he needed to, listening to him mutter words in English and Russian to himself. There wasn’t much he could do but be there, as much as the weight was bearing in him from earlier today that needed to be shoved aside...suddenly he wondered if this was what Boris would do whenever he woke up screaming, terrified from his own nightmares only to be brought close, hearing the lullabies he would hum to bring him down once more.

“It’s ok now, he’s not here...you’re with me and I won’t let him touch you while you’re here”

“He’s out there! Drinking and rambling like a true bastard”

“I know, but he’s not gonna get you...here—“

Hands gently gripped Boris’s cheeks, leading his face upward to look at him, the ripples and light bouncing off the glasses to reflect back like a television screen.

“Look at me when I say this, you and I are safe for now, my dad is fuck knows where and your dad is probably out drinking himself to death…”

“Potter…stop, I do not need reassurance, please”

“Ok, then let’s just—sit here”

Nodding, they both returned to how they were before, Boris readjusting to be sitting at the edge again, feet gently swaying back and forth in the water, his hand creeping back to hold Theo’s, both held on like life itself depended on it. Someone in the empty neighborhood soon slammed a door open, making the both of them jump, looking to each other with absolute fear for a moment until they realize it’s not for them, their bubble is secure.

“Potter”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you...I know I said I didn’t need that, but I—“

“It’s ok, I know it’s what you would do for me, right?”

“...Maybe, if it were you instead? Maybe I would give words of comfort—or shove you into the pool”

“Oh fuck off”

“Kidding! Kidding!”

A sniffle, a finger runs under his nose for a moment, sleeve wiping his now puffy, red eyes.

“Would you do something for me?”

“What?”

“Scoot closer to me again”

“Why?”

“Just do it, fuckface”

Laughter erupts again, both of them slightly keeled over as they closed the distance, playfully shoving or splashing dabs of water. Tense atmosphere simply vanishing as if it were nothing, bringing back the cycle of normalcy. Soon settled down, they sit close, feeling heartbeats, hearing breaths. Boris soon breaks the silence again, looking to Theo with a small smile as he leans in, cupping a hand onto his cheek.

“Ow—!”

“Oh shit, my bad”

“What the fuck?”

“Just—shhh”

“The hell are—“

The sentence never gets the chance to finish. Lips pressed against each other in a lazy peck, lingering as their foreheads touch. His eyes widen a bit in surprise, what just happened? Cheeks flush as words escape him, a beat goes by before he leaned in again, planting another kiss, then another and another. Every kiss grows desperate as they find themselves lowering onto the ground, hands roam about to familiarize every inch they touch. Boris leans his head down to plant a single kiss to Theo’s neck, gaze shooting upward upon hearing a soft noise come from him, grin slowly spreading on his features which only made the embarrassment grow.

“What’s that look for, dickhead?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m enjoying how you are right now”

“Fuck you”

“Ha! So embarrassed! You’re just as red as the stop sign!”

“Jesus Christ you’re an asshole”

No annoyance held in the tone, only slight sarcasm. He leaned in for another kiss, holding it for as long as possible until breaking for air, observing everything possible while the other hovered above him, arms shaking from how long he’d held that position for...he looks gorgeous against the blue light, framing him in such a way that makes him look freshly pulled from the sea.

“Hey Potter, let's take this inside—my ass is freezing”

“Sure, I don’t care”

In one fluid motion, Boris gets off of him, standing tall,  _ fearless _ . He offers a hand to Theo, which he takes immediately and doesn’t let go. They stumble in, leaving knocked over bottles that they’d clean up in the morning. Theo pulls in Boris for another kiss once inside, but manages only to get his cheek, the favor is returned with a kiss to the knuckles. They giggle like toddlers at nothing, feeling high from the attention and affection they were suddenly giving one another, doing their best to ride it for as long as they could.

“Ha! Come here! You missed again idiot!”

Lazily, Boris pulls in the smaller form of Theo, kissing him again as they embrace in his room, door closed and locked. His hands go carefully through his hair once more, one trailing down until reaching the rim of Theo’s sweater. Quickly he looked for some sort of approval before sliding his hand upward underneath it, feeling the hard ridges of his spine as he placed kisses along his neck, trailing down until he reached the collar bone.

“Boris---”

His tone light and airy, as if floating along a cloud.

“Did I go too far?”

“No no, just—slow down a bit, I can’t keep up”

Nodding, he moves back, simply embracing. Hand still under the sweater tracing small spirals and shapes into the skin. They both can feel their hearts racing fast, beating practically out of their chests as they stood there. His eyes close, placing his head against the others lanky form, soaking in as much of Boris as he possibly can.

“You’re not gonna disappear on me are you?”

“The hell are you talking about Potter?”

His head raised to look at him, eyes shining as if they were threatening to shed tears again.

“I’m not gonna wind up finding you dead too am I?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“Boris...your dad”

“Oh...right—but no, rest assured I’m fine, I hate going home anyways, is boring as shit! Here is much better, at least here I get proper food…”

Feeling a hand against his cheek again, Theo flinched. Yet his nerves dulled at the touch, making him relax and melt into it as if he were always meant to.

“...and here I’ve got you and little Popchyk”

A kiss, deep and loving, vastly different to the desperation from before. One like you’d compare to a romantic moment in a movie. Boris’ fingers wrap themselves in Theo’s hair briefly, soon moving fast in an attempt to mess it up.

“You asshole!”

Both of them go at each other, playfully teasing and yelling, pushing and shoving, only the lamp on the dresser providing some form of light. At that same moment they paused, looking to each other as their hands were interlocked to push against the force of the other. Eyes lighting up as a thought ran through Boris’ mind before returning to their game;

_ You and I are unstoppable, but without you...I’m nothing. So beautiful yet so far...how can I reach you to keep you? _


End file.
